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[07 Oct 2007|04:07pm]
[ mood | inspired ]

"experiencing beauty is like a smile.. an energy; a feeling that takes us over.. completely"

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Department of Motor Vehicles? MORE LIKE THE DEPARTMENT OF DREAM CRUSHERS [02 Oct 2007|02:23pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Location: Brentwood
Examiner #: 834
Time of Test: 1:19:49 pm
License Class: D

Specific Items Marked:
B. Turning & Intersextions
-Turns wide left
C. Parking, Backing & U-Turn
-Fails to adequately observe/use caution
-Unable to park properly
D. Driving In Traffic
-Fails to anticipate potential hazards
E. Vehicle Control
-Poor Steering Control: Turning
-Poor Steering Control: Maneuvers

Accidents: None
Dangerous Actions: Drove Over Curb



The fucking lady told me to drive over the curb. She's like, "you already hit it, so you have to drive over it or you won't get out of this spot." Bitch.

Poor steering control? Is it because after I turn I let the wheel turn back on its own while still holding it but with loose grip? WTF? Turns wide left? FUCK YOUR MOTHER.

The ONLY substantial arguements in that woman's report are:
1) Hit curb
2) Fails to adequately observe/use caution (I forgot to look over my right shoulder when I backed up)
3) Unable to park properly

Maybe I'll just do what Nathan said, to parallel park really far away so that you definetly don't hit the curb...so that it's only -5..and you don't hit the curb for -15.

And it didn't help that my dad's car's glass piece to show the gears was cracked so I'd be disqualified if I used his car (which I always drive). So instead...I had to drive my mom's fucking truck, which I HATE to drive. and which I can MOST DEFINETLY NOT judge distance in parallel parking....at least not with only 45 minutes of experience in her car. ugh.

I really want to kill the DMV. I am a very good driver. And I'm not just saying that. Nicole can confirm that. I drove with her. I've been in the car with MANY licensed drivers...that I felt like I may die..or simply want to to save the pain. How does the Brit down the block, who speeds 85 in residential areas have a license and not ME? I feel like this road test DEFINETLY requires an interview and a lie detector test. I am a very good, cautious driver. And that's not bias. It's true. In the words of Nicole Colwell, "FUCK THIS SHIT."

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Taking chances. Living Life. Feeling Life. [18 Sep 2007|10:51pm]
[ mood | scared ]

In the past day, I've been analyzing my life. Myself, my emotions, my actions, my manner, my words..everything. I miss this. I think everyone should keep a journal. No matter what form. Be it a notebook, an online journal, a Cinderella one with lock and key.. anything. I think it takes a strong person to reflect on everything. To admit that you're fucking petrified, to shout on the tops of buildings that you're head over heels, to state aloud that you're in a state of no return. I just love to write. I feel like when I'm writing from my heart, it shows. That people can finally see who I truly am. I've vowed not to LJ anymore about stupid shit, like schedules and stress, because what's the point? Talking or writing about something that's making you so stressed is going to focus you more on it. So, I've vowed against that. Next, I plan to write on here more frequently. I'm going to try every day, but I don't know how thats going to work out hahaha I hope I stick to it. I'm going to make a real effort.

Next, I am now...one, so fucking petrified of love, two, can't put into words how frustrated I am with myself, three, feel unstoppable, and, four, love youth group. First, I don't know whats wrong with me. Today, in school..Idk. I just feel like an ANAL form of me comes out in school. I know it's true. I get all omgomgomgzomgzomz college, stress, work. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm done with living like that. My parents never put any pressure on me for school, so I've always needed to motivate myself. The proverb or saying that states "you are your own worst enemy" is definetly true. I've just noticed how I've put up walls around EVERYONE in my school. I frequently say "I'm not friends with anyone here hahaha" to cover up the fact that I really do want to get to know people. I know there are some amazing people that go here, not many, hahaha, but there are. I also don't know what's wrong with me with Tiff and Mel. It's like I feel so awkward...and Idk why. I love Tiff, and I really want to get to know her. For who she is now. But Idk. I'm SO self-concious around her and Mel. I'm NEVER myself anymore around her and that scares me and makes me soooo self-concious. Before I go to college, I hope to hang out with Tiff once and COMPLETELY be myself. Be the person I've become...crazy, hilarious (if I may say so myself hahah), witty, worldly, compassionate, passionate, hopeful, loving, and genuine. I want to be friends with her again because being friends with her such a long time ago...we just clicked. It was a match. And, I want to see if now, with the people we've become, the people that have matured, that have experienced such different things in life, can not "be those girls again," but friends, close friends, as the people we are now. I feel like I have nothing to say because I feel awkward around her. Like, I want to just go somewhere and talk about life for a really long time. I have a weird feeling we'd connect on so many levels. But in order to get close to me, and for me personally, to break down the walls I have blocking people, and talk on a heart-to-heart level, I have to feel comfortable. And I think I honestly just hope by some random and weird occasion, sometime, we end up talking alone for a while. I love the person I've become and I want to be able to show her that person. I know that was a lot on Tiff, but honestly, I was thinking about it a lot this afternoon..and that pretty much sums up our relationship for the past, what? 4 years? Blah. And I don't want to be bfflfllzlzlzllz again. That's not my goal. I just really want to know her now. And I want to be able to show her the person I've become. And I can't help but to wonder what she feels about us now.

Oh, and I'm going to try not to take ANYTHING out of my LJ. When I used to write them, I would free write, for such a long time. Then I'd read it over before I post it and like sometimes take out stuff I didn't want people knowing. I want to be an open book. I want this to be true and real and show my weaknesses and insecurities as well as my strengths and loves.

I'm gonna talk about this summer really quick. I'm going to sum it up to Nicole, MCW, Ivy League, and sadness. I made the absolute BEST friend I've ever had in my life this summer. And that is Nicole. I can honestly say I feel like she understands me better than any other person I've ever met. She understands my nerdy jokes, and comes back with them hahaha. She has a yellow bug. And I find the age difference to be ironic and not surprising at all. We are SO much alike. We're both intelligent, witty, CRAZY, inspired, passionate, driven, compassionate, loving, and mature. She's the most balanced person I've ever met. She loves. She LIVES. She gives the BEST of the BEST in pep talks. And, she has panties in her coat pockets hahaha. She's is simply one of the most amazing people on the face of this earth, and I need her to know that. Hmm, memories from this summer: Brits, Spare Rib (which we have YET to accomplish), getting double-mooned by Magrogz and Mike Cronin LMAO, and and just, actually, so many more. But I don't want to list them for everyone else. But she saved my summer, my social life, and me. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my #6 speed dial. I love her to death and I honestly think this is one of the friendships that go from summer nights to bridesmaids to wrinkles. And I hope it does. This girl really does mean the world to me. Now, about the sadness, that's definetly because when Nicole left, and my STM/Hauppauge people left, and everyone I love left, I was and am alone. I have few friends that are still on the Island and I just wish this would change, and quickly. I need to feel like I have best friends that I can go to here. Crazy stuff happened emotionally this summer too, with just COMPLETE utter honesty about feelings with people. Good and bad, but in the end- no regrets. I meant it whole-heartedly, and no matter what feelings come after, what the truth brought about.. I mean them still. Every last word. And finally, I'm proud of that. Me and Brett got much closer because a lot of things came out into the open, and I'm really surprisingly, content with everything. And I hope we spend more time alone together because I value our friendship soo much. He definetly is the one person in the world who sees past every wall I put up. Who can look at me and I can be completely vulnerable. And that's the thing that scares me. Vulnerability.

Here's the love section. I want love so badly. More than I can explain to you in words. I have a passionate, sensual, loving, caring, compassionate, vulnerable, weak-at-the-knees, absolutely beautiful part of me that I want to give to someone. That I want to show to someone. But one, I'm soooooo scared of taking chances. I'm so scared of vulnerability. So scared of someone being able to level me with their eyes. Scared of someone knowing every insecurity I have. Someone who is able to look at me, smiling ear to ear, and know that something is just not right. I am SUCH a strong person. I am professional, mature, strong, crazy, but I have DEFINETLY grown up sooo fast. I have learned to hide my vulnerability and weakness through strength and humor. I've learned to cover up ANY insecurity with sarcasm. Most people fall for it. Very few don't. And those very few..are the people that know me best. I just can't deal with how passionate and caring of a person I am..but how I am so afraid to show that to people. My goal for this year is to, in the words of Nicole: "Grow some balls." I want to. I want to be able to make first moves. I want to be able to just scream and smile and run and jump into someone's arms, not knowing how they feel about me, just riding on my passion and emotions and love. I want to be able to give someone a part of me I haven't been able to and have been saving. That's my goal. Not to find love, but to accept it and embrace it and treasure it when I have it. I want to love unconditionally, because I have so much love to give. I want to love unconditionally and not think about getting hurt. I can't think about my complete vulnerability. I can't think about someone having power over my heart and my emotions. My goal is to NOT think. Yes, to use common sense.. to think about things..but not ANALYZE them, over and over again...and in the words of Mrs. Kelley, "Give him the damn math homework." (In AP Lit today, Mrs. Kelley was explaining how Close Readings for Literature is like teenage girls with guys. EVERY word, meaning, symbol, syllable, is analyzed. Every indication of emotion is noted. Meanwhile, all the guy could have written was "Hey! Can I please have the math homework?" But NOOOO, that line will be copied and pasted to 40 IMs within the next 30 seconds, and you, my boys, will be COMPLETELY oblivious. The girl will then proceed on to wonder, did he just make an excuse to talk to me? Does he actually need it? Did he use an exclamation point because he's excited to talk to me? HE ADDED A SMILEY FACE AT THE END?!? ITS LOVE!" hahaha. I really like Mrs. Kelley.) But anyway, it's sooo true. Everything in my life I analyze. Reflection is healthy. Analyzation, at times, is not. And I, in the words of Brett, want to for once, "just feel"...and in the words of Nicole, "Don't think, Just LIVE". I have some of the best friends ever.

I'm just going to quickly mention MCW- this youth leadership retreat I went on in July. It was by far the best experience for me (especially because I want to work in human rights and international affairs). But, it was just, amazing. I love other cultures. I love people. I just love living. And meeting new people is always amazing for me because I have a clean slate. Like at STM, I am COMPLETELY me. I feel like if I was actually me, 24/7, I'd have soo many friends in school. Which is really really sad if you think about it. But I'm working on that. But as for meeting new people, I love it. I just shine through myself. I just shine. I smile, I live, and, I shine.

Youth group started yesterday. God, I thank you so much for this family of mine. I just love them all. Immature freshman and all hahaha. I just love them all. Every last person. Val Mercurio came along with me. I can honestly say I hope she's one of the people I become closer with over this year. I loved spending last night with her and Eco with her this semester. She's a riot. And, I love rocking out to Paramore and then Walking it Out in her Honda too hahahha. It reminded me of Nicole a little...and I got a little sad when I got home. Missed Tomo-ing with her + Schoepz after diner-ing after yg-ing. That was a lot of ings. But I just was so at home and so loved and so real. And my goal for life has always been to be as real as I am at home. But the home I am referring to is my Home. My STMYG. My youth group and my life. I just love them. I CANT WAIT for retreat this year. I CANT WAIT<333333 I just can't believe I'm going to be a senior. And that I'm finally going to be up on that altar. God, I can't even. So many emotions have poured out onto that altar at Stony Point over the years. I just can't contain myself. I love my family<333333333

I babysat Olivia on Saturday night. I never even check to see if people are going out or have plans anymore when they ask me to babysit. I just feel so connected and so perfect when I am with this girl. I love her more than life itself. She is six years old and has the most beautiful darkish red, auburn(sp?) shiny, golden hair. She is, by far, the most beautiful little girl inside and out. She reminds me and keeps me in touch with the Mommy I am inside haha. I really can't even describe to you how much this little girl warms my heart. How she fills a hole inside of me. How much she makes me feel appreciated and loved and welcomed into her life. I just love her more than anything. We ate carrot sticks with ranch dressing, then played soccer with the dog her family was dog-sitting for. I'm a little allergic :( so that sucked, but it was so fun. We had a swinging contest to see who could go higher. I pretended to lose and made a huge scene hahaha. I love her. We then came inside, went downstairs, and watched the Suite Life and Hannah Montana. I'm a disney channel LOVER, so it was a good match for the both of us. We had watched Sound of Music last time, which we both love too. After I let her stay up a little later than her bedtime, I picked her up and we played airplane haha. Then we went upstairs and we layed under the covers together reading bedtime books. We read the Bernstein Bears (my pick-childhood memories =]), this big story with random Children's Bedtime Stories in it..that night's was Greek Mythology. Um, then we read about this boy who didn't want to clean himself and then took a trip into this "Scumworld" HAHAH it was hilarious from my perspective. Olivia was scared by the jumping mud piles and the yucky "Mountain of Mold" and "Dirt Drenchers". Oh, the things books will say to keep kids clean hahah. And then we read my personal favorite children's book of all time, The Giving Tree. And then we read my second favorite.. I Will Love You Forever. I love reading with her. I make voices for each character and tickle her on some parts. And roar. and yelp. Ah, I love her. Then after we finished reading, I lowered the light and layed with her and stroked her hair until she fell asleep. Then I kissed her forehead and whispered "I love you Liv" and walked out. I have so much love to give. I honestly cannot describe in words how much I love to spend time with this girl. I spent like $20 at epcot...my last twenty..getting her Ariel stationary and pencils for school and a blue and pink Ariel Princess necklace. She loved them both and said "OOh! Thank you so much Brittany! I love it! And I love you." I honestly cannot wait to have kids. I can't wait to teach them about the world, to love them unconditionally, to fall into only a few cliches of the "mother-woman" (for all you Kate Chopin fans), and to just spend my life with my children. I just cannot wait to bake cupcakes with them, to surprise them with McDonalds on their birthday at school, to help them rehearse for the 5th grade play tryouts, to go to the fair with them, ahhh, I just cannot wait to have a family. My husband needs to love kids A LOT, because I'm going to have like 659. Literally. hahaha. Then again, what man WOULD complain to unprotected sex every night? Seriously. Let's be realistic lol.

I'm so happy to have written my heart out. To have written it out to all of you, and to have written it in confidence and happiness.

In the words of my AP Calc teacher, "it's been real and rational." <3333

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[02 Dec 2006|08:49pm]
[ mood | calm ]

"maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives?"
-- sex and the city

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[07 Nov 2005|12:03am]
[ mood | crazy ]

OXx JiLLy xXO: + can i have a bandaid? cuz i scraped my knee falling for you
OXx JiLLy xXO: + girl .. you've gotta be tired .. cuz you've been running thru my mind allllll day

notBLNDbutSTLdum: i lost my number can i have urs

South5733: "Do you have a map? I believe i just got lost in your eyes."

beautifulmelodyx: excuse me, do you work at subway..cause you just gave me a footlong

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...what say we tie up for the night?

I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?

Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.

Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner?

hahahha leave me some more of these cheesy pickup liness <3333

theyownnn my lifeeeeee.

"new york is so intense; everyone's thriving off each other's passions to succeed" -anonymous

3 comments|post comment

PLEASE EVERYONE COMMENT ON THISS<333333 [06 Nov 2005|06:43pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

hey loves, please comment on this, ALL OF YOUUUU :)
or i'll hunt you downnnn youu dawwgggggzzz.


Who are you?
Are we friends?
When and how did we meet?
How have I affected you?
What do you think of me?
What's the fondest memory you have of me?
How long do you think we will be friends?
Do you love me?
Do you wish I was cooler?
Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
Am I loveable?
How long have you known me?
Describe me in one word.
What was your first impression?
Do you still think that way about me now?
What do you think my weakness is?
Do you think I'll get married?
What makes me happy?
What makes me sad?
What reminds you of me?
If you could give me anything what would it be?
How well do you know me?
When's the last time you saw me?
Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
Do you think I could kill someone?
Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

sorry kids, can't break the tradition ♥♥♥...
i love this quote, keep in mind the person who said it,

"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." --The Diary of Anne Frank

10 comments|post comment

[03 Nov 2005|09:52pm]
[ mood | "inspired" ]

dear lovelys,<33

ive found that i eat alot, when i feel bad about my body.
and then it hurts even more because isay okkk ill workout,
and get stressed and overwhelmed with school+ cant find the
time. im really hoping to get this job at buena sera, to
raise money for my dream camp. but yeah. lets hope, im
believing for it at least.

i realized tonight,
how mature i am for my age.
not saying that im like some amazing never-immature, always serious, person. im just saying, that alot of people my age have absoutlely
no idea waht love is. what a real relationship is. a lot of people
older than me still have no idea too. but i find myself, like tonight,
trying so hard to guide people in the right direction, and i get
so frustrated because ilove these people so much, and dont want them
to get sucked into these relationships they think are real, and
are based on nothing--and only leave them upset, aand feeling worthless
in the end. i want them to have people that will rejoice in who they are, and how they feel when theyr with them. someone to really love and care about everything my friends do, and really show kindness and compassion to them and everyone around them. what it all comes down to is, i cant do this for them. and it hurts. becasue i really really want to show them waht love is. i want them to know that there are so much better of things to be experienced than hookups that mean nothing and leave you with nothing in the end but a fun night. love cant even compare to anything temporary. knowing, just absolutely positive in your heart, that the person your holding, will love you no matter what, is so much more of a comfort than someone that's sticking by for a fun time. i think i let my feelings go through other people, and come through when they ask me for advice. my friends are so lonely, and end up taking whatever they can get in a relationship, usually meaningless hookups that leave them bitter and desperate because they feel unloved and want someone to care. there are so many different kinds of love--and until you meet the one for you, you might as well enjoy the other kinds of love. the love of friends, and family. which will always be there no matter what--even if it doesnt work out in other relationships. its so comforting to know that there will be people that honestly love you with all of their heart. there are so many people out there, that want to be loved, myself included, but i dont go out hooking up with random people in order to try to feel good about my realtionships. i know, and believe that someone absolutely amazing will be in my life one day. maybe tomorrow. maybe 5 years from now. and yeah, it will be a struggle until then, like it is right now for me, but im willing to wait, even though tomorrow is looking amazing if he wants to come. :)

dont sell yourself short, please.
amazing things to come.
all of you are amazing people,
which are loved by so many people,
you just may not realize it now--
about how many people you touch
and affect every day simply by
the smile on your beautiful face.
you are amazing, beautiful, and strong.
stand by it,
and dont accept anyone who makes you feel
less than what you know you are---amazing.

keep going.
hold your head high.

"we are all brothers and sisters. Each face in the rainbow of colors that populates our world is precious and special. Each adds to the rich treasure of humanity" --Morris Dees; civil rights leader

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ah!!! [30 Oct 2005|12:59am]
[ mood | creative ]

my life right now:

a) i am so ready to start the rest of my life. im sick of high school, and want out. i want to go to college, work hard, and to have my lines running through nyc boutiques. its going to take some seriously fcuking hard times before i make it big. but it will happen, quote me on that. i will make it. im so excited for my future. im absolutely sure, this is waht i want for the rest of my life.

b) parsons is my dream. donna karan, max, isaac mizrahi and marc jacobs went there. parsons. me. it feels so right. except the whole 15thou/semester +10grand for dorming each year --that part isnt going to well, esp since my dads like you could get a basketball scholarship to another school. go for that.

c) i want to go to parsons for 4weeks next summer for fashion design camp. from june 27-july22. my birthday is the 20th :( :( ahhhh this is my dream. my dream. ever since i picked up the vogue mag at 12 and started realizing how much i loved this stuff. how much excitement it brings when i make something i cnat wait to show people. how much i feel like i want to shout at the top of my lungs because it gets me so enthusiastic. this is how my life should be every day. usually the reason why people today dont succeed at their jobs is because they dont feel that passion and love for what they do. this is my dream. something ive wanted since i started getting excited about fashion illustration. that excitement. i want to live off of it everyday. i want to grow up, jump up, and in my cock-roach infested $1500/mo studio apartment in manhatten, ill jump up, (check the floors for cocks--ha!) + get dressed excited, pumped, energized, absolutely not being able to wait for the day to start. im going to feel passionate about my job and love every moment of it. at first, it'll be a struggle, and i wont have anything at all; but ill be the happiest person alive.

d) fashion camp is four thousand dollars. one thou a week. im getting a job this week--i've been talking about it for so long; i need to DO it. i'm going to buena sera becasue i know jono, and he can probably get me a job. if not, i'm going to my aunt's resturant and becoming a busgirl. or the spare rib with the ever so amazing joesph. im going to work my ass off. and get every last dime of that money. all by myself. i dont need anyones help. i can do this. im going to prove it to myself. these girls that go to this camp are filthy rich, and their parents pay for it for them to have something to do in the summer. this--is my dream. and i think it's going to mean 90684093604986x more to me to know i got there with all my hard work. four thousand. i can do this. i can.

e) i apologize in advance if your christmas gifts are a little shabby this year. im saving up. 4grand is a hell of a lot. and i dont think you all will be seeing much of new jewelry anymore :( unless my nana buys it for me :) + i love making gifts so thats probably what youll all get :) :)

f) i made nicole her card today for her belated birthday. and got her 2 little gifts. hope she likes them. i need to mail them out on monday :) i miss that girl. kay, ya'll?! hahha. oh jeez. go have sex with your mom!

g) i love target holy crap.
ISAAC MIZRAHI<333333333333

h) school owns my life.

i) safe halloween was fun. my purpose in life is scaring the shit out of kids+their parents in the positive edge library haunted house by grabbing feet and growling :) :)

j) cupid, please hit me. make an emergency stop in Smithtown. and make sure its very soon. really. please.

k) i love you all more than life itself.

all my love,
brittany <3<3

"believe in yourself, and you'll fly."
--Raise your voice

1 comment|post comment

stole from beena [27 Oct 2005|11:57pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

hahha, notice the last one.

family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">

LiveJournal Username
Where are your parents/What are they doing?
Tells all his/her friends about it, and their friends, and starts a major party crashgreenday_823
Gets drunk and gets hit by a mini van while crossing the street to his/her cariambeena
Tries drugs for the first time and ends up unconscious craziafrikanguy
Breaks all of the valuables in the house_nathan_
Has sex with at least five different guys/girlsnicoley_oley
Initiates an orgy that involves all of the guestsshellebelle710
Finds your mom's credit card and orders one hundred pizzas from the pizza palaceshorty4ever1235
Decides that sharp object aren't that dangerous- and ends up in the hospital shellebelle710
This Fun Quiz created by kyrston at BlogQuiz.Net
Cancer Horoscope at DailyHoroscopes.Biz


peace ya'll.
that was making fun of nicole,
just to clarify :)

5 comments|post comment

do your duties well. [24 Oct 2005|11:14pm]
[ mood | determined ]

i can't sum it all up in one word.
no, wait; i can.

the talk that joe had with everyone after, must have hit alot of people hard because there were a lot of tear-stained cheeks during the goodbyes. and on nights like these, the hugs are usually about 15 seconds longer, and mean a whole lot more.

the one thing that i love doing is helping people. making everything all better-- or maybe not all better, but on the road to it. this might sound corny (hah!), but it really hurts me when i can't help. like mending a broken heart. or a death in the family. you can't fix emotions of others, and you can't bring people back to life, or let them see their aunt, uncle, dad, mom, sister, brother or grandma one more time, so they can tell them how much they love them and say goodbye, and sorry for everything theyve ever done. theres no way. i guess all i can do for now is let them know that i love them alot, will be there for them always, and reassure everything they already knew about our relationship. and hug+kiss them for a long, long, time. it hurts to see someone you love very much cry. it hurts deeply. i'm sure i don't need to explain this to you, becasue we've all been in this situation, but not like this. i just .. i wanted to breakout in tears. and hold them for a really long time. i hope it gets better. because the worst thing about feeling terrible about something is not having answers. and the second worst is wanting them, and getting laughed at for trying to get them. this probably makes aboslutely no sense to you, beacsue im obviously writing about something specific, so im sorry if this is a waste of your life to read. but the bottom line is.. if you can't help in any way, smile. i've done a lot of activities in which people have to say something nice about you, and in almost everyone people have always said to me 'she makes me laugh'. but its not in funny times and amazing nights that are the most important to make people laugh, its when they feel they never want to smile again. when someone feels they might not ahve enough energy to bring up those cheekboneszzz to smile, thats when they need your humor the most. thats when they need someone to be with them, support them, let them know they care, and smile. smile always. be there for those whom you love, and support them through everything they do. you may not agree with everything they do, and you may completely disagree strongly. but its important not to abandon them, but to support them, support them so they know that someone is backing them up no matter what life may bring along the way. support them so they know that they always have 7 digits to dial each time a tear runs down their cheek and feel like the most lost and alone peeople on the face of the earth. i know so many times that i felt that alone, and wished i had someone i could call. i specifically remember crying my eyes out, picking up the phone, and not knowing anyone who would care enough to talk to me. i realized later on that there were plenty of people who cared, but at that moment, i wasnt aware that people loved me enough to check twice if i was okay.

today in school this girl in my english class who i dont really know very well walked by and i smiled at her really bright and she looked at me with this look of resentment like why the hell are you so happy? why do you love life that much? why are you smiling at me when i look like im having the worst day of my life? why arent you just leaving me alone? the truth is thats why. if your having the worst day of your life, wouldnt you want someone to smile at you? i probably walked straight for another 10 seconds and then ran down the hallway as fast as i could, caught up to her, stopped her, looked her in the eyes and said "are you okay?" and she said im just having a bad day. but thank you for asking. and she smiled. this is what makes me feel on top of the world. people smiling after feeling like a speck of dirt.

shine your happiness upon all others, and see how many people become happy in the light of your path.

a smile. that's all it took. but people these days will smile, look at someone with even tears in their eyes, and just pass by. think nothing of it. how do you insult our world for being a cruel place when you find it hard yourself to simply reach out to someone who needs your help? not even help, but a smile. one question. an interest. people hurting need to feel like their life means something to someone. they need to feel like people care about who they are, and what they stand for.

if someone is upset,
take the time.
take the time to notice.
take the time
to turn around,
and show and interest in their well-being,
and a little less of your own.
you may not see it now,
but your reward for rightousness is coming.

again, only if you do this for the right reasons.
reach out looking for personal happiness as a result of simply helping others. don't reach out to others for the wrong motives.

please, i beg of you.
the next person you see,
scared, alone, depressed, afraid,
or pretending to smile.
stop them.
and show an interest.
show that you care.
and that someone cares.
about them,
and whats happening in their life.


and above all,
make a difference in someone's life.

if not today, tomorrow.
and then every day of the year.

be strong.
and press on.

i love you all very much,
and each and every one of you,
has a purpose, a meaning, and
if you doubt that someone cares,
i know at least two people that love
you and care about you more than
anything in the world.
me. and God.

be everything you can be.
and trust me,
all of you; have so much potential,
to affect so many people positively every day.
you just may not realize it now.

so smile,
"you just may start a chain reaction"
--Rachel Joy Scott

God bless,
and goodnight.

oodles of love,
Brittany Marie.


"Don't let your character change color with your environment. Find who you are and let it stay in its true colors." --Rachel Joy Scott

2 comments|post comment

my life is; can't take it -- all-american rejects. [23 Oct 2005|11:27pm]
[ mood | weird ]

i spent yesterday and today in connecticut.
my new favorite song to sing is america the beautiful +i cant get it out of my head right now.
i'm really hurt, and need to get over it, but i've been hurt for about two years now, so i've kind of accepted that losing your best friend and grandma in one year isn't going to go away overnight, but i seriously need to get over the friend thing, because its not going to get better from here. especially since she hates my guts on the inside, and is playing nice on the out. i feel like we connect like we used to when we're alone, or together in school, but when we get home its like none of that ever happened and she wants to ignore me and get me out of her life, and this hurts so much i can't even explain it. i cry, alot, now. usually at night. i love life, and don't see why my stupid problems i'm crying over while people who suffered the hurricane and victims of human trafficcing, and our troops in iraq have much bigger problems that we all should be focusing upon. idk, im just feeling really weird. like its suddenly hit me out of the blue.. like WOW! HEY! YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS! i know i have friends, like acquintances, and people that i love very much and talk to at yg, but i havent hung out with people in like 3 weeks, and they have their own group that i feel not a part of because they've all been together for so long. it's funny how people see me as a part of their group, while they don't. but i don't see why they have to, we never have any chances to be closer than we are becasue we never see each other.

i was going to say 'i miss feeling a part of a group'.
but i never have been a part of a group.
i've thought i was a part of many,
and all of those times,
i was betrayed by my own best friends,
realizing only that none of them were my friends.

in spite of all that,
i'm really happy for my cousin,
my godson is due in 2 weeks!

i hung out with laurel on friday,
and i lovee that girl. so much.
i like that we're getting close.

i feel like school is owning me,
i have no time for friends anymore.
and thats whats killing all my realtionships with people.
i hate ap classes.
and i hate all this extra fucking work.
its too much on me,
but i would never drop one becasue
i need to get into nyu.
so whatevs i have to deal.

i cant wait till
break in november;
i need one so badly.

i want sleep,
and never get it.
so i'm gonna hit the sack.

i need a job that i can feel like i'm making a difference in people's lives.
that's pretty hard to find at fifteen, but i'm looking.
any ideas?
i tried looking at angela's house, but
theres like no jobs whatsoever.

im thinking about a legal internship,
but its too many hours per week.

i want to be a little kid again.
i want no stress.
i want your one best friend that will go on the swings with you and play dolls and say that boys have cooties and giggle when someone says sex.
i want the love you always got from everyone, because you had no enemies, and no one hated you.
i want the old days back, because growing up isn't only adding inches and getting pimples.
oh that reminds me,
i want a clear complexion :)

that's about it,
i feel better now.
but i have a heavy weight on my back
because my lab is two weeks late
and i feel terrible about my friend.

i didn't want the truth at all.
it hurt too much.
i would have rather been lied to.
nah, thats not true,
but i would have felt alot better
thats damn straight.

love you all very much,
and counting down the hours till heaven: so far, 18.
it seems like a mirage.
hope it comes soon.

again, somuchlove,

"understand your mission is to make history while you're here" --Nas

3 comments|post comment

rachel joy scott. [20 Oct 2005|08:29pm]
[ mood | not the drug, the feeling. ]

today i saw a presentation at my school.
and i don't mean to say this like i'm the most amazing person in the world,
but this girl, she thought exactly like me.
all the ways that i see things, she can relate to.

but i'm not at all saying that i am as great of a person as rachel joy scott is,
because i'm not even close.

rachel joy scott was one of the thirteen people killed in columbine high school on april 20, 1999.
she was sitting outside, eating her lunch with a friend, when two gunmen came out and shot her and her friend. she got shot a few times, and her friend got shot 8 times, he lived; she didn't.
rachel joy scott was an absolutely amazing person filled with life, love, and tried to bring that to everyone around her. everyone she could come in contact with. a chain reaction. you smile at someone, they smile, they pass the smile onto someone else, and you've affected half the world. it only takes one person. words we hear often, but don't actually believe? i do. i been believing it for my whole life, but today was a direct example of it. Rachel Joy Scott said "I will not be labeled as average".. she was determind to succeed, she was determined to be a change in the world, determind to be someone that no one will forget, and truely, she has succeeded. all we need in the world, is one person; one person to decide to live in the path of rightousness, and the rest will feel their joy, in everything that they do. every smile lended to every person they see, every word of wisdom that comes out of their mouth, everything they devote their life to. one person, and that will soon be spread among millions. Rachel Joy Scott was a missionary. Or, she wanted to be one. She wanted to be an actress and a missionary. On this earth, she did not get the chance to do either. But when she left, the miracles began happening. Once her family got a hold of her journal, it was obvious that she was wise way beyond her years. But her journal wasn't even about wisdom; it was about kindness. simple things we learn in preschool, but dont keep throughout our years. Kindness. "Compassion is the best form of love you can give" --Rachel Joy Scott. Rachel never got to become a missionary on this earth, but by spreading her story around the globe, as well as 3 books and a movie coming out in about two years, she will have touched millions of people. In her place, people of all ages and places have became missionaries for her. SEVEN thousand, to be exact. All we need is one person. One person filled with kindess and an overwhelming love for life, compassion, and helping those around them. As I've told numerous people, I'm a little kid; i have the mentality of a three year old with the wisedom of someone beyond fifteen. These concepts aren't difficult to comprehend: share your love, your talents, and your life and dedicate your happiness to making others happy. It's simple, its just only a matter of applying it to your life, and really devoting your time and effort towards it. Actions. What will you do with your Friday night? Go out, or be willing to give up a party night to serve the homeless at a shelter. Choices. Values. What do you value? I knew when i was nine that all i wanted to do was serve people the rest of my life, but i couldnt figure out, and still cant figure out how. I'm realizing now taht although it doesnt have to be my career, and i can persue my career based on my talents, and still help others all throughout my life, and in addition to my career. my real skill is helping people get through difficult times, and honest to God, it makes me smile. It makes my day worth while. Everything that I saw today in the assembly about Rachel Joy Scott's amazing leadership and devotion to others I had done once before. And again, I'm not saying I'm as wonderful as this young lady, but I think that was a sign that I'm doing something right with my life. And no matter if i have problems with friends, want a relationship, or a job, it doesn't matter. None of that matters. I control my happiness, and I know what makes me happy. Making other people happy. My mom used to say that I didn't have the right reasons for loving Christmas, and that I should stop saying it was my favorite holiday--becasue whenever she asked me why i said "presents". But it didn't take her long to realize that the reason i love Christmas so much is giving presents to other people. When I pick out gifts, I can imagine in my head their smile, their face lighting up, and glowing for that second they first see what I got them. Smiles. Happiness. It fuels my life. I love when other people are happy, are feeling the same joy that i feel everyday, even if something may be bothering me, i still love life. I wake up each morning, look out the window and say thank you. Thank you, that I'm not diagnosed with cancer, and am not dying, but I promise I'll try to help those who aren't as fortunate as I am to wake up and be able to have the strength to get up and look outside their window each morning as the sun rises. Thank you, that I live in freedom, in a world with so many people that are struggling to survive, and never feel safe, even in their own homes. But i promise, to help, to do whatever i possibly can, to make those people, who are lonely, and struggling in many ways, joyous people. with nothing; yet full of love and life. that is true happiness. true happiness, is having nothing at all, and enjoying everything you do. enjoying see other people who have everything, and not feeling the least bit envious because you know that your life is filled with joy and happiness and although they are rich, theirs is filled with bitterness and resentment. that is true joy. not needed anything to make you happy but yourself, God, and the glorious world around you.

I challenge you;
tomorrow, the next day, and every day of the rest of your life.
impact one person each day.
just one.
see how many people you have smiling in the halls
after a week, a month, a year.

try smiling whenever your talking to someone,
and see how quickly their face lights up.

try walking the path that no one follows;
because although many may lead you down the wrong one;
you will be rewarded for every step in the right direction you take.

help others.
not receive recognition,
but to not be seen,
and still have an overwhelming amount of happiness and joy.


but above all,
and never stop.

be the best that you can be.
again, easy to say.
easy to comprehend.
it's a matter of applying it in your own life.
i know, and truely guarentee to you, that if you
help one person tomorrow, you're going to want to help two the next day.
it's an addiction that no one will be able to control.
and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.
trust me.

love everyone.

all of my love,

"Anything worth fighting for doesn't come without a fight" --Rachel's Challenge speaker.

2 comments|post comment

i hate 11:12. its when you miss the clock at 11:11. [18 Oct 2005|11:12am]
[ mood | exhausted. ]

over the weekend,
i slept over my nana's house ,
and after my mom was an itch and picked me up early,
my nana took me out afterward and we went shopping and stuff
but i tried not to take advantage of her overwhelming abundance of
oh! get that!'s because i want her&pop-pop to be able to live on long island
+not move to north carolina which theyre considering. but yeha. whatevs.
i got some new earrings and a pocketbook that i love.
but none of that stuff matters.
i need them here in ny.

the guy at jcpenneys in the shoe section was pretty hot,
and was flirting with me hxc and i really hoped my nana didnt notice
cuz im one of those people that gets all embarrased and blushes and stuff hah.
so on the way out, he opens the door for me and nana and goes so did you find what you were looking for, john? because he was looking for a john and looked around at the customers and looked at me for a second, and i was like what? do i look like a john to you? hahah + hence the john.
it was quite funny.
and i said no, i didnt, but i got jewelry, so im a happy camper:) and i smiled.

the second we leave, nanas like WHY DIDNT HE PROPOSE RIGHT THERE?! ON THE ESCALATOR STEpS?!?! hahha i love my nana.

today wasnt as great.
at all, actually.
today was not good.

in math honors, i am feeling incredibly lost, and i just want to cry. i feel like the biggest dumbass in the world because every other single person in the class is nodding their head like its the easiest stuff they've ever seen. and i dont get it at all. i used to be like 105's and 99's, and now im like barely making a B, and i dont even like getting B's on my report card. all a's and a few b+s are sweet, but i hate b's.

anyway, then my stomach hurt 2+3+4 pers.
and i needed my inhalor
cuz i couldnt breathe.

gym was incredibly fun.
because i love tiffany alot.
i slapped her ass really hard,
and left a red mark.
which she pulled down her pants and showed
me-- to add to the guilt.
but i didnt feel bad
i pointed and laughed.

after school,
i found out something from one of my friends
and i told her i didnt take it as a big deal
but this is really bothering me
its really bothering me
i dont know why its bothering me so much
but i cried a few times
and it has nothing to do with me.
im just so upset over it,
and it'd be stupid if i said it on livejournal.
+ very much intrusive on his/her privacy part.

i came home,
got rosie,
which fj09wjg09ejing sucks,
and had back pains to the extent of crying alot,
and the heating pad didnt work,
and i couldnt walk
so i didnt do my hw,
and got the homework from joe whom i adoreeee right now.
(i think he wants to secretly gut me, but thats ok :) ]
+the friends thing today just hit me again
and i started looking at old photos of us
and im like just
really upset.
idk y.
it doesnt have anything to do with our friendship,
but with their decisions.
but still
im just

and really streessed about school and math grades because if i get a c on my report card i will seirously cry or even a c+. i'd die. my parents wouldnt care. but i'd flip and i just want to feel smart in math like i used to.

gina, i love.<3

i need yg.
every day of the week.

chris coldwell is amazing.<3
+we watch gilmore girls together,
but shhh don't tell anyone.
we're revitalized in our sarcasm.

and tonight.
ifeel like crap
and emotionally

and i just feel a really lack of a best friend
who used to be there, but isnt anymore.
and everythings just bothering me.
and i dont want to fucking
wait anymore,
i want a boy.

an amazing boy.
so put up some wanted posters for me kay?
sweet, adorable, romantic, funny, BUFF like me (maybe a little more hahha)- GRR:O (tenses up muscles), best friend in the world material, cute, downto earth, easy to talk to, insane, and loves ben and jerrys ice cream and the smell of daffodils and the rain. oh, and amazing hugs are a must. presents and bribes accepted. thanks.

best friend.

yo, i need friends.

all my love,

"live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. practice wellness. play with abandon. laugh. choose wtih no regret. continue to learn. appreciate your friends. do what you love. live as if this is all there is." --mary anne radmacher

that works.

3 comments|post comment

[16 Oct 2005|01:26pm]
[ mood | amused ]

YO COMMENT DOWN on the entry two below


++ it has no comment



post comment

[16 Oct 2005|02:26am]
[ mood | literally lol ]


not cool
my nanas having hotflashes
and she turned on the a/c.
my fingers are numbbbb
and blueeeeeee.

at least she doesnt have to get miss rosie anymore.
that must be an overwhelming relief.

haah whydf do i think of theset hings?!??

ice cube


"_____ _________"

kay now ladies?!??!
ahh hlove

"I came that you may have and enjoy life and have it in abundance, until it overflows." - John 10:10

2 comments|post comment

h83w2rt80h30wht0h9etoi [16 Oct 2005|01:10am]
[ mood | confused ]


that pretty much sums it up.

i got up for the psats today at 7, and was there at 715; and got an optical migrane in the middle of it. yeah, vision blurring up, flashing really fast in different colors, not being able to read the comparative reading section of it, and leaving early and getting my test ripped up becasue i was so dizzy the room was spinning. at that time, i think i was so upset that my test was getting ripped up, that i didnt even notice the pain that was absolutely unbearable. my migrane lasted about 3 and a half hours. my mom picked me up right away, and got me home and i fell asleep till 1 .. and then tried to open my eyes and the room was spinning. at that point, the pain was so intense i was crying. mom tried to force me to take a tylenol but i dont budge. i hate medicine. it makes for a really crappy immune system. whatevs. im stubborn abotu it. but yeah, i went back to sleep and then got up, and felt a little better, so i went carpet shopping with my mom and nana. they were gonna pikc out this nasty green, i mean, if i puked on the carpets, i dont think you'd know the difference between the carpet and the tossed cookies. seriosuly. gross color. lol and so finally i persuaded them to get this relaly hottttttt tan color with specs in it :) :) for the downstairs. anywayzzzzz the salesguy WAYNE! ahahh sry, i just cant get enough of that nameeee <3<3 he was so nice. kay. then we went to this other carpet place, to just check the competition prices and omgggggg HIDE AND SEEK HEAVEN. it was like in i robot, with those rows of 1000 robots with one defective one, hahahh andd we ran in and out of long rows, and i hid between 2 ceiling-high carpets rolled up & scared the SHIT out of her lke 5409638x hahahh so much fun.

then, after i had my wonderful 4year old flashback fun,
we argued over where to eat out, and i eventaully lost for tgifridays,
and we went to applebees. oh welllll

i ate 46903840x more than i should have
and im probably 5839 pounds exactly to the dot.
then we all went back to my nanas house

and my dad finished clearing out FOUR HUNDRED SEVENTY FIVE GALLONS OF WATER from my nanas flooded basement. aka about 2" high. yeah.bad. +a lot of my mom and aunt's baby pictures were ruined which sucks. its good they have more upstairs, but they were really sad baout htat.
on the way home,
the family sang
1) beatles
2) grease
3) acdc (mypick)
4) honey youu are my shiningg starrrrrr (idk the guy) lol
5) 490683409 other more.

it was realy fun.
my mom was especially flambouient.
and it really made me wish that she hadnt have turned out so spiritual
only becasue shes never liek that anymore. beacsue i takled to my aunt a
few weeks ago about my mom and what she was like before she became so
religious. she went to comedy clubs, dance clubs, parties, and really
lived life to the fullest. now, she doesnt even watch some pg13 movies
becasue she thinks theyr "sinful" and "wrong for her to watch" and
doent go to comedy clubs becasue they talk too sexually,
doesnt watch any tv shows she used to like sex and the city and freinds
because theyr too sexual and its a sin, nd doent go to the movies,
or drink.

right now, im really at a loss of support with friends becasue
my old best friend isnt my best friend anymore, and it took a very long
time to accept that, but i still miss her too much for words.
and all my other best friends are at east, and im basically out of the
picture now--and i'm relaly having a hard time accepting it. and all
of my new amazing friends are mostly seniors, and mostly all going
to leave me next year.. which i dont want to think about at all.
i dont want to think about any of this.
all i know is,
that woman that i keep hearing about,
my mom before her religion,
was amazing.
still the sweetest person you can imagine,
loving, caring, funny, joking, and realy loved life.
she's someone i want. i need that woman right now.
i need a mom. my mom loves me,
but shes so hard to relate to.
i make a joke, she doesnt laugh.
or says its making fun of someone,
so how could she laugh when im being so cruel?
or i crack up on friends, and she tells me to shut
it off because its inappropriate.
or im watching the oc and someones making out,
and she hits power.
or im trying to talk to her abotu something
where she really hurt my feelings,
and she laughs in my face.
i think if i would have known the old her,
i would have never let her go.
i need the old her.
it sounds like someone i could really relate to.
it sounds like me.
i jsut wish i would have been able to know her.
becasue right now im F(()%U)(U#ING fed up with her now.
and im sick of being held back and treated like a four year old
little perfect catholic girl.
i want to be good, i respect my religion and her beliefs,
but i cant stand my life anymore.
just becasue shes so fucccing religious,
doesnt mean ih ave to be.
so stop holding me back from my life.

this is supposed to be
"the best years of my life"
and yet im counting down till college
so i can pack up and go away with a smile.
i want to feel sad when i leave.
i want to feel like im going to miss someone
other than my dad and sister.
and i honestly cant say that now.
and it hurts.

somedays i want to get that luggage in my hands, grasp it firmly,
and walk out the door.

my dad misses the oldher too.
he's always saying "mommy used to.."
or "i wish Joy understands that im not going
to pretend to belive...."

he's an amazing man, my dad.
and my mom needs to realize that he still is,
even if hes not fucking religious.
its so frustrating.

my parents love me,
but they suck in the whole
parental-child department.
really suck.

me and rach,
are sleeping over nana+pop-pops.
i worked out in her exercise room,
and then rach watchd elf,
and im going to sleep in a little while,
after reading over my ap bio notes.
becasue i cant fail this test.
+ i want to earn my a.
all by myself.

&ive been so stressed out with school lately,
that i havent had time to work out
so the whole body insecurity thing
is really coming back hxc.

i miss my grandma.

and i seriously dont know what im going to do if something happens to my pop-pop,
because he's overweight and it scares me. i've written him letters and emails about it,
but he has no self-control with dieting and exercise and stuff. laziness.
and i hope hes okay.

im reallydyinggg to go to fit this spring.
+ i need more fabric.
i made my nana a pillow
and it came out amazing.
its on her couch :) :)

im trying to still love life,
but the imperfections are getting to me.
i have a good life.
i have a good life.
its just a hard time i guess.

mostly in the friends department.
and the guy department,
but lets not get into that.

random moment today:
me: "mom, i want to go to venice for my honeymoon-- i want to go on gondalla rides"
mom: "you better marryyy rich, kid"
me: "what?! i'm gonna be rich-- i'll be saving my husband from economic probs, joking right?"

hhaha. husband, rich. funny.

when i marry him, its gonna be becasue im absolutely head over heels madly in love with him. i dont care if hes absolutely broke. i'd rather be crazy amazingly happy and poor, then rich and unhappy wtih my life.

the future is scary, and intense.

ps . i hate people that are naturally skinny and can eat 500 twix bars and not see it anywhere on their ass the next morning. thanks. :)

pss. i need konstantine bad. and its not working on this cmoputer on my myspace. :(

ok kids,
im gonna go finish of the perks of being a wallflower,
and study for apbio.

i love you all more than i can even explain,

St Paul to the Corinthians 13: 4-8 8, 13:
"Love is patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offence, nor is it resentful. Love takes no pleasure in others’ sins, but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end."

2 comments|post comment

<3333333 [13 Oct 2005|11:40pm]
[ mood | joyous. ]

i'm really happy.
i'm singing amazing grace.
and even though i only know half the song,
and keep getting yelled at,
i'm still happy.

singing makes me float on air.
it takes me away from my room,
and my life, and the stress,
and puts me in front of people
that are cheering,
and happy,
and excited,
and full of life,
and are absolutely willing
to take it all in.
everything in life,
to grasp every chance as an
oppurtunity that could never come again.
and jump on it,
as if it might be their last.
that's where i want to be.

"The only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing,
but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars..."
--Jack Kerouac


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yet another day. [13 Oct 2005|11:00pm]
[ mood | not too badly, though =) ]

today, was september 13th. i'm saying was because there's only an hour left :) but nonetheless, it was pretty boring.

i got up, and it was dark for two reasons:
1) lipa went up 18% so we're practically never using lights.
2) it was rainy and gloomy.

but i love the rain.
i just don't like there being no sun.
hah i know this doesnt make sense, but rain makes me happy.
so if i could have a mixture of a sunny/rainy day,
i'd take it in a heartbeat :)

&&anyways, i asked michelle+gina to sleepover last night cuz we were both off today and michelle had to get up at 5 and go to CT for a college interview and gina was being attacked by crazed southern relatives from the bible belt. so yeaz, i was alone :( mostly, i read the perks of being a wallflower, becuase i'm well overdue at the library, and have to pay 30cents now. hahha. i dont really care though. its amazing. and then i stayed up until 2 sketching. after i sketched this one outfit i was like th094wj096wj409tj i want that made. so im seriosuly trying to amek something other than pillows for my nana, and headbands and belts and beaded jewlery.

with michelle going to look at colleges, i stayed up for a whileeeeee and thought about the future. if theres anything to know about me, its that i think WAY too much. which could be good or bad, depending. anywayz, i definetly think alottt [x9406803496]. so i thought about something thats been bugging me for a while. i know there are some seniors this year that are still like WTF IDK WHAT I WANNA DO with the rest of my life, and idk, i dont want to feel that way when im a senior. i want to feel like i know exactly what i want to do and dont want to even think about anything else. in my mind, that has to be the toughest decision to make: what you want to do for the rest of your life. i mean, you can always change careers, but it takes a lot of time and effort. and yes, i know, im only a sophmore, but i really wonder what im going to be, or if im gonna be like so many people who meet their husbands in college, or if i go to the wrong school and dont meet the person im destined to hahaha, yes, i think about these things. but yeah, i know that if two people are meant to be together, they will. liek i coudl never formally meet him and one day im walking on the streets of nyc and this gorgeous guy in front of me drops his pencil and i hand it back, and have a movie moment and then go out to eat and live happily ever after blahhh blahh blahhh. yeah whatevs, i think. anywayzzzzz.. there are soooo many things i think i could do when im older, and its so hard to narrow them down. but one thing i know is i need something exciting--- something that im gonna wake up each day and jump out of bed like THIS is what i love to do, and this is what makes me happy each day. and if its not something that helps people----ahhhh gotta stop, sry, its 11:11<333333.. alright moving on :) :) :)..

if what i do isnt something that helps others, i think id have to volunteer or have a side job with the youth like a youth minister or coordinator for habitat for humanity or helping out at a helpline service, or reaching out to the community, or at a lifecenter for young mothers, or a foster care home, or helping out at the ronald mcDonald house, or having a private study in child phsycology.

what i really want to do is fashion design at fit, fidm, or parsons, but i really want to work with children with chronical illnesses, such as child/family counseling for schneider's childrens hospital, or a parttime nurse or something. but idontknow, cuz i dont like blood, i more want to help them deal with it and know that theres hope. i want people to feel liek when they enter the hospital, its not going to be a long, sad, depressing experience, but yet one to grow from and to learn that there are options of hope and ways to cope and deal with the stress and pain of a sick child in the family.

two completely different things that i really want. and i dont know how to choose. i know my feelings arent going to change about either of them. so i might end up going to fit and nyu or parsons and night classes at nyu or something insane like that; because i wouldnt want to let one dream die.

this spring, im taking fashion design/art at fit for four, 4-hour sessions at fashion institute in new york city!! omg, i cant explain to you how excited i am about this. although im paying for it, its going to be so fun and exciting and inspiring. then, during the summer before junior year, im taking ap child pshycology at nyu.. that one, im going to have to reallyy save up for.. its like 900$ which is INSANE because i dont even think its a college credit. i might be taking another course in death and life, and changing of society and the world, too.. because that reallyy interests me. but for now, i have to count down to my course at fit! ++ ahhhh also, criminal justice and lawyer really interest me too. im like a sick debator, and might want to be an assigned district lawyer to work for the state through county courts to help those who cant afford a lawyer defend themselves. but yeah, so many things.

mostly the first two though.
oh jeez.
i need to stop thinking ahead two years,
and focus on this english paper,
and my spanish 3 quiz tomorrow.

that was long,
&hopefully wasnt boring you to death :)


"be the change you want to see in the world" --ghandi

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such a beautiful day. [12 Oct 2005|10:41am]
[ mood | artistic ]

ahhhh; i love the rain.
nothing can bring me down today :)

so yesterday, i was thinking about insecurity. and how people think so much of what other people think about them--and how everyone seems to think they don't care at all when they cry about something someone said about them. words hurt, but if you had confidence, it wouldn't dent your happiness. i'm not saying i'm perfect, or that i have complete absolute confidence, but this year, i'm more confident and comfortable with myself, when last year, i didn't want to look at anything but the floor while walking the halls of the freshman campus. i picked out an outfit a few days ago. it was absolutely wacky, but insanely freshhhh and i loved it. especially the blinggg i pickd for it and the hairstyle. so then while im putting it on, im like ehhh, too fashionista for school? maybe theyll be like ahh wtf is this girl wearing? so right when i thought that i put it on and told myself i wasnt going to take it off. if i love something, what the heckk does it matter if other people absolutely hate it with a passion? at that point i wondered how many other girls pick out their amazing outfits, look at them and critique them in the views of other girls. or how many people dont do things they want to, or say what they want to say when they want to, simply because theyr afraid of the actions of others. theres this strange girl in my english class. but i like her. she blurts out the most random irrelevant things, but she doesn't care. if it's what she's thinking, she'll share it. even if we're reading a trial case and its about like animal sex or something. ok, maybe not animal sex. but really really random things. i just, really respect her. she doesn't care at all what people think about her. it doesn't even pass her mind what they'll do or say once she says something conflicting with other people's views. she's so confident in herself, that it doesn't matter.

then i was thinking about the notebook. +how much that movie lacked content, but how the message was absolutely amazing. the notebook was, in a producer's view, not a hitter. not a movie that will be remembered 200 years from now. it will never win a tremendous honor, neither will it make a significant influence in today's ever-changing world. but then why was it the must-see movie? why did girls flock the theaters in a heartbeat? for something everyone wants. love. that's all that sold the movie. love. dancing in the streets. old-fashioned romance. "sweeping a woman off her feet". girls are so sensitive, so accepting of love, and thrive off of heartfelt signs of affection. people say not to believe movies, and that they lie .. but that's not far off from the truth. i just wonder why so many people settle for relationships that are okay, where they like the person but have no intention of one day feeling something so deep for that person. i dont get why people stay together when both of them want love, but know they arent going to find it in each other. that's OKAY. you'll find it somewhere else; and it will be amazing. and it will catch you off guard and hit you harder than anything ever has before. you will feel as if each day is not long enough because you want to just spend a little more time in their arms. i dont get it. dont people want that enough to wait for it? i mean, me, ive been waiting for 15 years. love, i mean. not a stupid, high school relationship where the four-lettered lie comes into play. real love. love where you cant explain waht you feel for the person even if you tried. love where you look into their eyes and know that they strengthen the amazing person you already were. love where they cherish you, and no matter what crazy foolish thing you do, theyr always going to love you. love where you hit him really hard for being an ass, and the next second you're realizing how short of amazing you thought you'd feel when you did it, because whatever he feels, your feeling right along with him. love where you can fighting for such a long time about the most stupid things in the world, like what you ate for breakfast, and the next second be playfully kissing his neck and holding him closely.

am i the only one that wants that so terribly?
the only one thats willing to be sitting here dying for it, and waiting, while everyone else falls into the traps of overrated high school relationships?
i never want to be hurt by a guy.
but i don't think that's very possible or realistic.
i just hope, i never let a guy bring me or my confidence in myself slip away.
it has happened so recently to so many of my close friends.
girls, dont sell yourself short of the absolutely amazing person you are.
seriously. respect yourself. and if he loves you, he will respect you as well.
if he really really loves you, he'll respect you more than anyone.
trust me.
it may seem like its taking forever,
and it might seem that way for a long time,
but when you least expect it,
love will come by,
and sweep you off your feet.

if no one has told you today,
i love you.


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terrible, horrible, no-good, belly-aching, day with little bits of happy. [04 Oct 2005|02:00am]
the title pretty much speaks for itself.

today i got up late, after staying up till 230 having like an anxiety attack about my apworld sa and two ap tests today.

i didn't understand anything in math today; which really puts down my confidence because i want to do good in that class, and math used to come so easy for me--and its so fastand hard and ahhhh i hate math b.

then i cheated on my apbio test, and found out i got a 94.
which made me feel terrible.
i would have loved a C or a D.
cuz thats what i deserved.

then i came home,
told dad to wake me up for flute teaching,
and i slept right through it.
a little 7-year old that i adore, named Marianna,
was sitting there,
waiting for an hour.
and her family rescheduled everything they did that day,
to focus around me being therer for the lesson.
so i felt like crap, got off the phone and cried a little.
at this point, i looked absolutely terrible--
so i went in the bathroom and put on the face mask i have to wash my face.
i got it in my eye, and my entire eye was red for literally 3 hours. no joke.
then i still looked absolutely terrible,
but went to youth group anyway.

this was what i meant by 'bits of happy'.
1) i really got to know jake a little better this yg, and i liked that. we're becoming better friends, and that's as cool as it gets :)
2) i really missed been, sean, elise, kyle jenna and everyone because school is lame.


parents are up

ill write tomorrow
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