In the past day, I've been analyzing my life. Myself, my emotions, my actions, my manner, my words..everything. I miss this. I think everyone should keep a journal. No matter what form. Be it a notebook, an online journal, a Cinderella one with lock and key.. anything. I think it takes a strong person to reflect on everything. To admit that you're fucking petrified, to shout on the tops of buildings that you're head over heels, to state aloud that you're in a state of no return. I just love to write. I feel like when I'm writing from my heart, it shows. That people can finally see who I truly am. I've vowed not to LJ anymore about stupid shit, like schedules and stress, because what's the point? Talking or writing about something that's making you so stressed is going to focus you more on it. So, I've vowed against that. Next, I plan to write on here more frequently. I'm going to try every day, but I don't know how thats going to work out hahaha I hope I stick to it. I'm going to make a real effort.
Next, I am now...one, so fucking petrified of love, two, can't put into words how frustrated I am with myself, three, feel unstoppable, and, four, love youth group. First, I don't know whats wrong with me. Today, in school..Idk. I just feel like an ANAL form of me comes out in school. I know it's true. I get all omgomgomgzomgzomz college, stress, work. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm done with living like that. My parents never put any pressure on me for school, so I've always needed to motivate myself. The proverb or saying that states "you are your own worst enemy" is definetly true. I've just noticed how I've put up walls around EVERYONE in my school. I frequently say "I'm not friends with anyone here hahaha" to cover up the fact that I really do want to get to know people. I know there are some amazing people that go here, not many, hahaha, but there are. I also don't know what's wrong with me with Tiff and Mel. It's like I feel so awkward...and Idk why. I love Tiff, and I really want to get to know her. For who she is now. But Idk. I'm SO self-concious around her and Mel. I'm NEVER myself anymore around her and that scares me and makes me soooo self-concious. Before I go to college, I hope to hang out with Tiff once and COMPLETELY be myself. Be the person I've become...crazy, hilarious (if I may say so myself hahah), witty, worldly, compassionate, passionate, hopeful, loving, and genuine. I want to be friends with her again because being friends with her such a long time ago...we just clicked. It was a match. And, I want to see if now, with the people we've become, the people that have matured, that have experienced such different things in life, can not "be those girls again," but friends, close friends, as the people we are now. I feel like I have nothing to say because I feel awkward around her. Like, I want to just go somewhere and talk about life for a really long time. I have a weird feeling we'd connect on so many levels. But in order to get close to me, and for me personally, to break down the walls I have blocking people, and talk on a heart-to-heart level, I have to feel comfortable. And I think I honestly just hope by some random and weird occasion, sometime, we end up talking alone for a while. I love the person I've become and I want to be able to show her that person. I know that was a lot on Tiff, but honestly, I was thinking about it a lot this afternoon..and that pretty much sums up our relationship for the past, what? 4 years? Blah. And I don't want to be bfflfllzlzlzllz again. That's not my goal. I just really want to know her now. And I want to be able to show her the person I've become. And I can't help but to wonder what she feels about us now.
Oh, and I'm going to try not to take ANYTHING out of my LJ. When I used to write them, I would free write, for such a long time. Then I'd read it over before I post it and like sometimes take out stuff I didn't want people knowing. I want to be an open book. I want this to be true and real and show my weaknesses and insecurities as well as my strengths and loves.
I'm gonna talk about this summer really quick. I'm going to sum it up to Nicole, MCW, Ivy League, and sadness. I made the absolute BEST friend I've ever had in my life this summer. And that is Nicole. I can honestly say I feel like she understands me better than any other person I've ever met. She understands my nerdy jokes, and comes back with them hahaha. She has a yellow bug. And I find the age difference to be ironic and not surprising at all. We are SO much alike. We're both intelligent, witty, CRAZY, inspired, passionate, driven, compassionate, loving, and mature. She's the most balanced person I've ever met. She loves. She LIVES. She gives the BEST of the BEST in pep talks. And, she has panties in her coat pockets hahaha. She's is simply one of the most amazing people on the face of this earth, and I need her to know that. Hmm, memories from this summer: Brits, Spare Rib (which we have YET to accomplish), getting double-mooned by Magrogz and Mike Cronin LMAO, and and just, actually, so many more. But I don't want to list them for everyone else. But she saved my summer, my social life, and me. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my #6 speed dial. I love her to death and I honestly think this is one of the friendships that go from summer nights to bridesmaids to wrinkles. And I hope it does. This girl really does mean the world to me. Now, about the sadness, that's definetly because when Nicole left, and my STM/Hauppauge people left, and everyone I love left, I was and am alone. I have few friends that are still on the Island and I just wish this would change, and quickly. I need to feel like I have best friends that I can go to here. Crazy stuff happened emotionally this summer too, with just COMPLETE utter honesty about feelings with people. Good and bad, but in the end- no regrets. I meant it whole-heartedly, and no matter what feelings come after, what the truth brought about.. I mean them still. Every last word. And finally, I'm proud of that. Me and Brett got much closer because a lot of things came out into the open, and I'm really surprisingly, content with everything. And I hope we spend more time alone together because I value our friendship soo much. He definetly is the one person in the world who sees past every wall I put up. Who can look at me and I can be completely vulnerable. And that's the thing that scares me. Vulnerability.
Here's the love section. I want love so badly. More than I can explain to you in words. I have a passionate, sensual, loving, caring, compassionate, vulnerable, weak-at-the-knees, absolutely beautiful part of me that I want to give to someone. That I want to show to someone. But one, I'm soooooo scared of taking chances. I'm so scared of vulnerability. So scared of someone being able to level me with their eyes. Scared of someone knowing every insecurity I have. Someone who is able to look at me, smiling ear to ear, and know that something is just not right. I am SUCH a strong person. I am professional, mature, strong, crazy, but I have DEFINETLY grown up sooo fast. I have learned to hide my vulnerability and weakness through strength and humor. I've learned to cover up ANY insecurity with sarcasm. Most people fall for it. Very few don't. And those very few..are the people that know me best. I just can't deal with how passionate and caring of a person I am..but how I am so afraid to show that to people. My goal for this year is to, in the words of Nicole: "Grow some balls." I want to. I want to be able to make first moves. I want to be able to just scream and smile and run and jump into someone's arms, not knowing how they feel about me, just riding on my passion and emotions and love. I want to be able to give someone a part of me I haven't been able to and have been saving. That's my goal. Not to find love, but to accept it and embrace it and treasure it when I have it. I want to love unconditionally, because I have so much love to give. I want to love unconditionally and not think about getting hurt. I can't think about my complete vulnerability. I can't think about someone having power over my heart and my emotions. My goal is to NOT think. Yes, to use common sense.. to think about things..but not ANALYZE them, over and over again...and in the words of Mrs. Kelley, "Give him the damn math homework." (In AP Lit today, Mrs. Kelley was explaining how Close Readings for Literature is like teenage girls with guys. EVERY word, meaning, symbol, syllable, is analyzed. Every indication of emotion is noted. Meanwhile, all the guy could have written was "Hey! Can I please have the math homework?" But NOOOO, that line will be copied and pasted to 40 IMs within the next 30 seconds, and you, my boys, will be COMPLETELY oblivious. The girl will then proceed on to wonder, did he just make an excuse to talk to me? Does he actually need it? Did he use an exclamation point because he's excited to talk to me? HE ADDED A SMILEY FACE AT THE END?!? ITS LOVE!" hahaha. I really like Mrs. Kelley.) But anyway, it's sooo true. Everything in my life I analyze. Reflection is healthy. Analyzation, at times, is not. And I, in the words of Brett, want to for once, "just feel"...and in the words of Nicole, "Don't think, Just LIVE". I have some of the best friends ever.
I'm just going to quickly mention MCW- this youth leadership retreat I went on in July. It was by far the best experience for me (especially because I want to work in human rights and international affairs). But, it was just, amazing. I love other cultures. I love people. I just love living. And meeting new people is always amazing for me because I have a clean slate. Like at STM, I am COMPLETELY me. I feel like if I was actually me, 24/7, I'd have soo many friends in school. Which is really really sad if you think about it. But I'm working on that. But as for meeting new people, I love it. I just shine through myself. I just shine. I smile, I live, and, I shine.
Youth group started yesterday. God, I thank you so much for this family of mine. I just love them all. Immature freshman and all hahaha. I just love them all. Every last person. Val Mercurio came along with me. I can honestly say I hope she's one of the people I become closer with over this year. I loved spending last night with her and Eco with her this semester. She's a riot. And, I love rocking out to Paramore and then Walking it Out in her Honda too hahahha. It reminded me of Nicole a little...and I got a little sad when I got home. Missed Tomo-ing with her + Schoepz after diner-ing after yg-ing. That was a lot of ings. But I just was so at home and so loved and so real. And my goal for life has always been to be as real as I am at home. But the home I am referring to is my Home. My STMYG. My youth group and my life. I just love them. I CANT WAIT for retreat this year. I CANT WAIT<333333 I just can't believe I'm going to be a senior. And that I'm finally going to be up on that altar. God, I can't even. So many emotions have poured out onto that altar at Stony Point over the years. I just can't contain myself. I love my family<333333333
I babysat Olivia on Saturday night. I never even check to see if people are going out or have plans anymore when they ask me to babysit. I just feel so connected and so perfect when I am with this girl. I love her more than life itself. She is six years old and has the most beautiful darkish red, auburn(sp?) shiny, golden hair. She is, by far, the most beautiful little girl inside and out. She reminds me and keeps me in touch with the Mommy I am inside haha. I really can't even describe to you how much this little girl warms my heart. How she fills a hole inside of me. How much she makes me feel appreciated and loved and welcomed into her life. I just love her more than anything. We ate carrot sticks with ranch dressing, then played soccer with the dog her family was dog-sitting for. I'm a little allergic :( so that sucked, but it was so fun. We had a swinging contest to see who could go higher. I pretended to lose and made a huge scene hahaha. I love her. We then came inside, went downstairs, and watched the Suite Life and Hannah Montana. I'm a disney channel LOVER, so it was a good match for the both of us. We had watched Sound of Music last time, which we both love too. After I let her stay up a little later than her bedtime, I picked her up and we played airplane haha. Then we went upstairs and we layed under the covers together reading bedtime books. We read the Bernstein Bears (my pick-childhood memories =]), this big story with random Children's Bedtime Stories in it..that night's was Greek Mythology. Um, then we read about this boy who didn't want to clean himself and then took a trip into this "Scumworld" HAHAH it was hilarious from my perspective. Olivia was scared by the jumping mud piles and the yucky "Mountain of Mold" and "Dirt Drenchers". Oh, the things books will say to keep kids clean hahah. And then we read my personal favorite children's book of all time, The Giving Tree. And then we read my second favorite.. I Will Love You Forever. I love reading with her. I make voices for each character and tickle her on some parts. And roar. and yelp. Ah, I love her. Then after we finished reading, I lowered the light and layed with her and stroked her hair until she fell asleep. Then I kissed her forehead and whispered "I love you Liv" and walked out. I have so much love to give. I honestly cannot describe in words how much I love to spend time with this girl. I spent like $20 at epcot...my last twenty..getting her Ariel stationary and pencils for school and a blue and pink Ariel Princess necklace. She loved them both and said "OOh! Thank you so much Brittany! I love it! And I love you." I honestly cannot wait to have kids. I can't wait to teach them about the world, to love them unconditionally, to fall into only a few cliches of the "mother-woman" (for all you Kate Chopin fans), and to just spend my life with my children. I just cannot wait to bake cupcakes with them, to surprise them with McDonalds on their birthday at school, to help them rehearse for the 5th grade play tryouts, to go to the fair with them, ahhh, I just cannot wait to have a family. My husband needs to love kids A LOT, because I'm going to have like 659. Literally. hahaha. Then again, what man WOULD complain to unprotected sex every night? Seriously. Let's be realistic lol.
I'm so happy to have written my heart out. To have written it out to all of you, and to have written it in confidence and happiness.
In the words of my AP Calc teacher, "it's been real and rational." <3333